The Inevitable Melt-Down

Occurred last night. I’m highly strung and overly stressed and I need to disconnect a bit (and what do I do? I go online and write about it…hah!). I know my weak points and what to be careful with, but I can’t help but wonder sometimes if I’m actually capable of functioning like a ‘normal’ human being. Maybe not, and maybe that’s just the way it is for me this lifetime. Maybe I have to accept that and move on. I also realise why I’ve been pushing myself so hard these past few months: I need some independence. But maybe I’m not capable of that either. I always felt insulted when people close to me pointed out that I’m living with a handicap. Not insulted, precisely, but unwilling to give up/in. But it seems that, as soon as I devote a little energy to anything other than survival, my nervous system short circuits and shuts down. I’ve been focusing hard on other people’s lives and problems, and to some extent it does help us all. It’s amazing how I can help anyone with anything when I’m struggling so much myself. I’m wearing scarves as belts in even the tiniest of my trousers, and through my thin cotton tops you can count my every vertebra. So it’s back to health restoring walks and meals and staring at the sunset. Trying to concentrate on some reading and extending the deadline on my own work yet again. And part of me thinks that this is easy, so why am I trying to get away from this kind of life anyway? There is no point to putting myself through that amount of stress. Just that I’m sick of living like a pensioner, and when I’m not writing it’s hard to find a reason for my being here. I know I mean something to some people, and that means something to me. That’s something…