Patterns

Today I had breakfast with a friend I have neglected for a while. Because of work, on the one hand, and because of a closer and more time consuming relationship with another friend. I never was much of a multi tasker. I sat in my comfy chair in my pyjamas, overlooking the vineyard while juggling laptop and plate with two pieces of toast. Ok, four. And I had a giant smoothie too, if you must know. But I have a cold and I need my strength…

I thought of how nice it was to reconnect with this person. I’ve missed the trademark insightful comments and quiet support. And we always find something to laugh about, even with the both of us tired and overstretched. But this is no big news.

What gets me is that, with very few exceptions, I feel most comfortable with new and distant. New countries, distant friends…I may miss them but, when they’re close, I can’t be who I want to be. I can’t keep the bits I don’t like under wraps, which means I become weak and nervous and spend more time discussing problems than laughing and having fun. And I do like fun, heaven knows we all need it. So when someone gets too close –like the closer friend I mentioned at the start– I reclaim my space and build my wall again. I know it will happen sooner than later in this case too. That’s me, the way I work, my pattern.

And after some time, wall intact again and bad bits conveniently forgotten, I will drop by and say, Hey, long time no see! And I will think again how great it is to reconnect with a distant friend.