Not Another Video
June 10, 2008
I’m sure things could get worse. But I don’t want to find out how.
I love my husband and he loves me, but we can’t make it work. We can’t let each other go either. I don’t love the man I’ve been seeing, even though he’s perfectly lovable. I think I’ve done some serious damage to him and, in trying to hold on to me, he’s doing damage to me. Traumas from my childhood and teens that I thought had been dealt with apparently haven’t been dealt with all that well. It’s all landed on my head and I can’t bear to think I have to go back and deal with it again. I can’t get on with my life because of my social phobia.
Everything’s connected to everything and right now I’m a walking disaster. I’m not one for drugs or razor blades or alcohol, but I’m finding other ways to harm myself. I can’t face the past, I can’t face the present. I sleep a lot and, in between the condensed pain that comes with being awake, there are some moments when I shove it all aside and laugh like a lunatic. As if all of this isn’t really happening. I’m used to recurring depressions but I’m so scared of another nervous breakdown. Funnily enough, it didn’t occur to me up till now that it’s possible to have more than one of those in a lifetime. I don’t know how to go on anymore.
And I guess that, from the outside, all of this is pretty unimpressive. Happens every day, right? I know. I’ve been wanting to continue writing my witty observations on life, here and via email. Not to take myself so seriously. But my friends tell me to stop trying not to show it, because it shows anyway. And I can’t post videos every day, now can I?
I’m hanging in there, not to worry. But I apologise for being a bad read right now.
I’m not sure what your take is on physical gestures of affection but… /hug
I do hope you get through this. Knowing what your problem is helps, too. But they’re right; try not to bottle things up too much, it might lead into another breakdown. =/
Have you thought of trying to seek professional help? Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who doesn’t have a personal take in your life.
thanks, chica. i thought hugs weren’t really your thing ^-. i’m fine with them, so i appreciate it.
yes, you’re right about professional help. and i do have someone.
thanks for commenting on a sad post like this. didn’t think anyone would bother^^.
you’re always popping up on my blog with your rays of sunshine to brighten my day, and i always love reading yours regardless of what you write (or don’t write)
take care tokyorose
your picture should be in the dictionary next to ’sweet’…thanks, simon ^^.