Talk Of Sea Gulls

Have you ever seen a sea gull run? I saw one yesterday. Knock-kneed and the dorkiest gait you can ever imagine. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud and he flew off. He must have heard me…

It’s been an intense ten days. Collapsed last Monday and people rushing to get to me from two different countries. I felt both deeply embarrassed and loved. Better now, with some medical attention, though very aware I am unwell. Mental health aside, I seem to be quite drained and weak physically, and find it hard to imagine I went swimming still that Monday morning. These days are spent horizontally, trying to eat as much as I can to regain some weight and strength. At least I’ve been back online since a couple of days, it’s good to catch up on other people’s lives through emails and blogs, and get away from everything for a while. I’m having to rethink my own living situation, and am trying to kick-start something, somehow. For now I am grateful for the company and care. It’s good not to have to face this alone…

Story/State

This is a real story coming from a cop who ran into a drunk one night:
-Sir, what are you doing?
-L-l-looking for my…keys
-Ok…(he helps him look for a while) are you sure you lost them here?
-No. But oooover here there’s l-l-light
They were standing under a street light, hah!

Brussels is alright, everything’s still here. The cats are funny, each in their own way. My folks are fine. The weather’s all over the place, a typical Belgian summer. Everyone’s talking and saying the same thing: I have to get it together and do something, I can’t spend another year like this. I agree, but have no clue. My head is spinning…

This post faithfully reflects my schizo state these days. When I’m here I laugh a lot, courtesy of my mum and our weird shared sense of humour. At the same time I’m down because this is just a getaway and, no matter how often they offer, I can’t stay here forever.

I’ve watched a wealth of movies here already. A Dutch war movie, Rodanthe Nights (Richard Gere’s ageing remarkably well. Must be the Buddhism…), Dan in Real Life (funny!), Yes Man (ditto), Insomnia (Robin Williams makes a positively scary psycho, don’t you agree?)…..and that’s all I remember off the top of my head.

I’ll get me coat.

Moest Het Niet Zo Triestig Zijn, ‘K Zou Lachen

Hij spande zijn spansel open en riep, spring! Spring!
Maar meende gij dat ze sprong..?
De trut.

Movie Night

I just watched the French versions of ‘Reality Bites’ and ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’ back to back, couldn’t get the V.O. thingy to work. The idea was to relax a bit on a Sunday night. And truth be told it was kind of rough today. That last movie was a bit too close to home though, but I couldn’t quite stop watching. I’m not an alcoholic, and I think I can safely say I’ll never be. But the dynamics of a marriage where one of the two is ill was so familiar, both trying hard but just not being able to make it work. There were some snatches of that song by REM, and it’s true, I do know it. Everybody hurts sometimes. Except that I was ill already when that song came out. And lately I do feel I’ve had too much of this life to hang on…

You’re all sweethearts but you don’t need to comment on this entry. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. But it is so. Freaking. Hard. And I can’t keep telling the people around me, can I?

Living

Furniture stores are happy places, have you ever noticed that? They are filled with smiles and big dreams. Pregnant women rubbing their bellies, young couples kissing in the aisles, and fathers pushing shopping carts loaded with children, hopping on for a beat or two while the wife looks the other way…

I was there today but in a haze, vaguely observing it all. Walking next to the man who wears my ring but won’t be living with me, and thinking of the man who I can’t live with even if I wanted to. It was all very twenty-first century, I have to give it that. But I don’t think it would’ve hurt more if someone yanked out my heart and turned it into sashimi. Living has become such a loaded concept.

It’ll pass, but ouch.